I’M QUITTING CHURCH TO JOIN THE ANC

I would like to confess that I have decided that I will stop going to church. I mean, who needs to go to church in order to go to heaven when all you have to do is produce an ANC membership?

I would like to say sorry to my dear pastors at God First Church, but it appears there is an easier way to go through the Pearly Gates. It involves no tithes, no offerings and most importantly, it means I no longer have to drag myself out of bed every morning after a night out partying on a Saturday. Praise the ANC!

One of the benefits of joining the broad church (as it is often called, a broad church, not a narrow one) of the African National Congress is that it pays to be a card-carrying member. Who knows what tenders could be coming your way? Just look at how many well-off ANC members are out there. Oh, hang on. A vast majority of them also aren’t. This debunks my theory.

As some of you may or may not know, there has been a great deal of controversy after the president of the ANC and the country, Jacob Zuma, said to supporters in Mthatha in the Eastern Cape: "When you vote for the ANC, you are also choosing to go to heaven. When you don't vote for the ANC you should know that you are choosing that man who carries a fork...who cooks people...

"When you are carrying an ANC membership card, you are blessed. When you get up there, there are different cards used but when you have an ANC card, you will be let through to go to heaven."

Anger

I wonder who will take St Peter’s place at the Pearly Gates. Could it be Saint Comrade Manto Tshabalala-Msimang or will she be holding that position until Saint Comrade Julius Malema departs Earth to assume what I believe is his rightful position? Saint Comrade Julius Malema wouldn’t be too shy to tell those people who aren’t card-carrying ANC members that they are being tjatjarag and should just go jump and have an encounter with that man who carries a fork and cooks people instead.

As to be expected, anger was presented in many shapes and forms. From the religious to the not so religious - even atheists were indignant. I was most amused by the irony of atheists who were offended on God’s behalf by Zuma’s comments.

Many of us simply cannot wait for the president to say something of colour. I’ll be honest, when I read his comments, I was thrilled because there was something to laugh about. Seriously now guys, the president meant that as a joke, but he probably took it a bit too far. (I’m not just saying this to ensure that I get into heaven because I don’t want to offend Pope Jacob Gedleyihlekisa Zuma lest I don’t get a pass to heaven.)


Joking

The guy was obviously joking. I can imagine the audience went a little crazy with much laughter when he said what he said. Black folk are a religious bunch, and the people who were there are no exception, I am sure. So they knew he was joking and laughed. I know he was joking, which is why I am joking about it too.

I’m hoping joking about it is not blaspheming against the ANC. The last thing I want is to be excommunicated from the ANC before I have even had the chance to join. Again. I will become a member so that I can worship at the altar of the tender. And I would be attending the broad church meetings of the ANC in a German luxury BEE mobile.

I have a few suggestions on how we should pray now. How about we go, “In the name of the ANC, the Communist Party and the Congress of South African Trade Unions,” when we start praying? Instead of ending our prayers with an “amen”, I think “Amandla!” would be most appropriate.

I’ll tell you something for free, the great thing about “Amandla!” is that it is powerful, forceful and unapologetic. Amandla means power. Whereas “Amen” is a very passive, “may it be so”.

Thanks for the laughs

The truth is we got hysterical over nothing. We wanted to have something to shout about. Personally, I found something to laugh about. I think God has a far greater sense of humour than we give him credit for. A comedian couldn’t have come up with what the president said. Thanks for the laughs Mr President. Or should I say, Pope?

Just to end off here, ladies, if you go out with me, you will go to heaven.

As you were. That is all.

Source: news24

ARTHUR KENNEDY: GOVERNMENT SHOULD HAVE CONSTRUCTED THE UNIVERSITY OF ENERGY IN THE WESTERN REGION

Communication director of the New Patriotic Party Arthur Kennedy says the government should have constructed University of Energy and Allied Sciences in the Western Region because the region is notice for its energy prowess.
He explains that the Western Region will profit from the university hence the government should have diverted its resources in the West.
Arthur Kennedy says NPP will construct a University in the western region if it wins power in the next elections if there is need for more University of Energy.
CUE IN: ARTHUR ON UNIVERSITY
Meanwhile, the Shadow Minister of Education of the CPP, Kojo Armah says the government was right in the establishment of the university in the Brong Ahafo region. He explains that the university will not only concentrate in oil drill nu8t also solar energy and other programmes.
He supported Government decision to have a university in the region to bridge the northern and the southern part of the country.
He stresses that it not because the Petroleum drill is the Western Region that the government should immediate construct a university in the region.

Meanwhile people in the Western Region are disappointed in the government for the construction of the university of Energy and Allied Science in the Brong Ahafo region.
According to them the government should have establish the University in the region.
Our reporter Okyeame Amoako-Darkwa of Good News fm spoke with some of the people to seek their comments

Citizens in the Brong Ahafo region differs from their views of the people in the Western region.
Emmanuel Narwah reports that the people are please with government and support the decision to have a university in the region.

LAWYER URGES ANAS TO TAKE PAUL ADOM OCHERE ON

Constitutional lawyer Kwame Boateng has urge Anas Aremeyaw Anas to take whosoever involve in the leakage of his unedited video to Archbishop Duncan Williams to court.
He says Anas Aremeyaw is entitled to legal remedies for breech of contract.
Lawyer Kwame Boateng explains that both parties reach an agreement for the interview to be recorded and played subsequently but for a third party to have an unedited vision of the interview before its been release, Anas can drag the producer or the station to court for breech of contract.
Archbishop of the Christian Action Faith Ministries, Nicolas Duncan Williams has admitted he ordered for the tape of the recording from Paul ADOM Ochere before emplaning overseas but Paul has denied giving any tape
Lawyer Kwame Boateng explains why Anas Aremeyaw should drag Paul Adom Ochere host of ‘Good Evening Ghana’ for breech of contract.

1 MILLION IVORIANS INVADES GHANA

The Police Chief Inspector at the Dadieso station, Chief Inspector John Augustine Asante has reveal that since the Political turmoil erupted in Cote D’Ivoire about 1 million estimated Ivoirians have cross the border into the country.
He explains that the Ivoirians use his area as transit point to other cities in the country particularly Kumasi, Takoradi and Accra.
Chief inspector Asante tells Adom news that they are monitoring their movement in the country to check criminal and immoral activities.
Listeners would recall that about 157 Ghanaians in the Cote D’Ivoire have return to the country after disrupted election between President Laurent Gbagbo and Alassene Quatarra.
However, chief inspector Asante says the Dadieso Police command is closely working with other sub-stations to help protect them and the people of Ghana.
Chief Inspector Asante assures the public of close surveillance in the activities of the Ivoirians in the country.

GHANA’S FOOTBALL BRAND INFLUENCES FIFA’S RANKING

A soccer Analyst and renowned sports Journalist, Yaw Ampofo-Ankrah believes that the brand of the Black Stars influenced FIFA’s decision in making Ghana’s national team the best on the continent.
He explains that football has moved away from just win and loses to how passionate and marketable a team can be.
Yaw Ampofo Ankrah tells Adom news that the Black Stars have been the toast of the continent and many football teams in the world will not mind to pay expensive money just to play them.
The Sports Analyst who side with FIFA’s rankings on Ghana says it’s a shame football is moving at that direction.
He says a lot of things go on to determine the position of a team on the rankings.
He made this comments today in reaction to arguments by some soccer followers who critise the current rankings, since according to them Ghana does not deserve the number one position on the continent.

Commenting on the current controversy between CAF and BBC player of the year, he explains that its time the two entities merge to award the best player on the continent.
He says this partnership will go a long way to strengthen football on the continent.
This came to light after two of Ghana’s player Samuel Osei Kuffour and Asamoah Gyan were robbed off the chance to win the CAF awards.